Who me? Make a big deal out of something that isn’t really a big deal? Never. I. Would. Never.
Who am I kidding? I’m a complete loonie-bin when it comes to making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Or am I? Maybe I should say- I can be.
Here’s the deal. I think it was yesterday, that my friend Ian commented that he will keep reading my blog but that he enjoyed reading about what I feel in life as opposed to what I do every day. Maybe I’m not feeling much but happiness these days, man. I suppose though, that the drama that was my life, had to be interesting. I’ll try to do a weekly post about my feelings- as we both know (Ian and I) that getting what we’re feeling, out in the open, is cathartic.
(Disclaimer- the following is directed at no one in particular. It’s a rant that’s been brewing for a while- the Texas trip just pushed me over the edge. I’m over all of the below mentioned issues- this blog is really just about what I hope is my new outlook.)
Admittedly, I’ve been in a funk since I got back from Texas. While there, I had friends in a communication spat, I asked to change some plans, and hence I feel like I alienated some people. I have another friend who admitted that she treated me badly while I was there- as such I’ve decided I really must let go of all things I can’t control. I’ve known that it’s healthiest to do that, for many years, but honestly it’s much easier to know it than it is to put it in to practice. I must let go of what people think of me. If they don’t communicate things with me, that’s not my fault. Now that is not to say that I may be too sensitive- and we won’t go in to why I often don’t take criticism well. We can, for simplicity’s sake, chalk that up to- shocker coming– my low self-esteem. If people want to be mad at me because my priorities have changed, have grown as a person, or even moved away, again, it is not my problem. I’m constantly evolving, and honestly, I’m still healing from nearly a decade of control, mental and physical abuse from 2 husbands. Some may view that as an excuse, but if you’ve never been in an abusive realtionship, well… I will admit, to some degree that I was a glutton for punishment, and for a while believed that I deserved no happiness. I wasn’t worthy of such things. I don’t want to use those experiences as an excuse not to grow or change, but it explains a lot about me. (People that knew me prior to marriage number one, during marriage number one and after that marriage ended- told me I looked unwell during that period- and have noticed the change- though I’m still not who I was before that experience). I have decided that if someone doesn’t like me for who I am, and there’s nothing I feel like I need to change, it’s not my problem. IT IS THEIRS. All I can do is be who I am, work on becoming the best me for me, and the rest will take care of itself.
For the most part, I’ve decided that women’s friendships are entirely too complicated. If you have to ask me if I’m mad at you, and you’ve done nothing to make me mad- then let it go. I’m not mad at you! 🙂 If on the other hand you’ve given me a reason to be upset with you- I may very well be- but if you know me- you know that I can forgive and forget and that I try to be the best benefit of the doubt giver on the whole planet. Furthermore- I never do things to hurt people, be vindictive, create problems for my friends, or otherwise be a bitch. It’s not my nature. If I go for days and don’t answer my phone it doesn’t mean I love you less. It means, at least at this time of year, that I’m busy doing as much as I can while the weather is cooperating. I check my messages. If you’re distraught and crying, I’ll drop what I’m doing and I’ll call you. I really do miss all my friends in Texas. Other than Zach’s family, I don’t have any friends here, so all of you in the Lone Star State are very important to me. I realize it’s my fault that we may have grown apart, seeing as how I’m the one that moved 1100 miles away. But at the very least, couldn’t everyone be happy for me that I am happy?
Oh wait. If they’re not happy for me, that’s no reflection on me. This new attitude of, I don’t give a damn, is going to be hard to learn. But I’m willing to work on it and give it a try.