Who me? Make a big deal out of something that isn’t really a big deal? Never. I. Would. Never.
Wait.
Who am I kidding? I’m a complete loonie-bin when it comes to making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Or am I? Maybe I should say- I can be.
Here’s the deal. I think it was yesterday, that my friend Ian commented that he will keep reading my blog but that he enjoyed reading about what I feel in life as opposed to what I do every day. Maybe I’m not feeling much but happiness these days, man. I suppose though, that the drama that was my life, had to be interesting. I’ll try to do a weekly post about my feelings- as we both know (Ian and I) that getting what we’re feeling, out in the open, is cathartic.
(Disclaimer- the following is directed at no one in particular. It’s a rant that’s been brewing for a while- the Texas trip just pushed me over the edge. I’m over all of the below mentioned issues- this blog is really just about what I hope is my new outlook.)
Admittedly, I’ve been in a funk since I got back from Texas. While there, I had friends in a communication spat, I asked to change some plans, and hence I feel like I alienated some people. I have another friend who admitted that she treated me badly while I was there- as such I’ve decided I really must let go of all things I can’t control. I’ve known that it’s healthiest to do that, for many years, but honestly it’s much easier to know it than it is to put it in to practice. I must let go of what people think of me. If they don’t communicate things with me, that’s not my fault. Now that is not to say that I may be too sensitive- and we won’t go in to why I often don’t take criticism well. We can, for simplicity’s sake, chalk that up to- shocker coming– my low self-esteem. If people want to be mad at me because my priorities have changed, have grown as a person, or even moved away, again, it is not my problem. I’m constantly evolving, and honestly, I’m still healing from nearly a decade of control, mental and physical abuse from 2 husbands. Some may view that as an excuse, but if you’ve never been in an abusive realtionship, well… I will admit, to some degree that I was a glutton for punishment, and for a while believed that I deserved no happiness. I wasn’t worthy of such things. I don’t want to use those experiences as an excuse not to grow or change, but it explains a lot about me. (People that knew me prior to marriage number one, during marriage number one and after that marriage ended- told me I looked unwell during that period- and have noticed the change- though I’m still not who I was before that experience). I have decided that if someone doesn’t like me for who I am, and there’s nothing I feel like I need to change, it’s not my problem. IT IS THEIRS. All I can do is be who I am, work on becoming the best me for me, and the rest will take care of itself.
For the most part, I’ve decided that women’s friendships are entirely too complicated. If you have to ask me if I’m mad at you, and you’ve done nothing to make me mad- then let it go. I’m not mad at you! 🙂 If on the other hand you’ve given me a reason to be upset with you- I may very well be- but if you know me- you know that I can forgive and forget and that I try to be the best benefit of the doubt giver on the whole planet. Furthermore- I never do things to hurt people, be vindictive, create problems for my friends, or otherwise be a bitch. It’s not my nature. If I go for days and don’t answer my phone it doesn’t mean I love you less. It means, at least at this time of year, that I’m busy doing as much as I can while the weather is cooperating. I check my messages. If you’re distraught and crying, I’ll drop what I’m doing and I’ll call you. I really do miss all my friends in Texas. Other than Zach’s family, I don’t have any friends here, so all of you in the Lone Star State are very important to me. I realize it’s my fault that we may have grown apart, seeing as how I’m the one that moved 1100 miles away. But at the very least, couldn’t everyone be happy for me that I am happy?
Oh wait. If they’re not happy for me, that’s no reflection on me. This new attitude of, I don’t give a damn, is going to be hard to learn. But I’m willing to work on it and give it a try.
I, for one, am glad to hear you “say” this. It is healthy, and it shows that you are getting healthy.
You and I suffer similar afflictions . . . both Libras with a healthy dose of the low self esteem. As such, we tend to be ridiculous about people pleasing even to the point of self detriment. The fact that you can actually see it, admit it, and try to address it with a new frame of mind speaks volumes about your growth and development.
I am happy that you are happy, even though you, at this point, don’t need my happiness for your happines to justify your happiness.
Was that a run on sentence?
oops, ADD moment. Back to your happiness, and my tangent happiness with it . . . you deserve it. Bask in it. I said yesterday that I can hear the happy in your words, and I can’t think of a single person who deserves solace, peace, joy and love any more than my itty bitty J.Z.enny from the block!
But um . . .
I’m a little concerned . . .
Are you mad at me?
verification word:
whingul
as in keep on spreading your “whings gul”. LOL
I’ve always tried to carry that setiment about life, live as I should, don’t tread on others, and if others have a problem with the way I live, so be it. Why should I stress out just to change to suit their needs? But I also find myself backtracking and trying to please others and it turns my what should be a calm mood into a roaring concern of what hoop can I jump to make you happy. I completely agree. Sometimes, taking the smooth road is just as bumpy as the rough one. You’re linked!
Ve-
I haven’t always been afflicted with the low self-esteem. And I truly hope it’s getting healthier, daily. But there are still moments, more often than not, when I let the- *I’m not worthy, I hate myself* part of me creep up and destroy what could be otherwise good days.
Very well said Dakota Girl, and I couldn’t agree with you more.
Especially the female friendships being complicated. DANG!
You have come a long way and are doing an outstanding job at life. You are doing what you have always wanted to do and what you love to do, and you’re HAPPY! That’s all anyone in life could ever hope for.
I whole heartedly agree with everything you said! I also need to work on my “I don’t give a damn” attitude! Living a life of bending over backwards to make other people happy, live how they think I need to live, think like they think and feel like they tell me to feel is exhausting and for the most part, very unrewarding. I’m trying to turn over a new leaf as well and start putting my own feelings and those of my immediate family (husband, children, grandchildren) first. Some people want to criticize me for that and have stopped speaking to me. I am sorry for those people. Life is to short to live unhappily. Maybe someday they will realize that as well and stop trying to be so controlling of others.
Ok, that’s my vent for the day! Thanks for sharing your feelings with all of us Jenn! I can totally relate to you and how you feel!
Love ya!!
Tracy
I for one, am happy, and I am happy that you are happy, that Ve is happy that you are happy. I do hope that Ve is happy, though she did not mention if she is happy herself other than being happy that you are happy. I cannot speak for Ian, but I am sure he will be happy with this outstanding blog post and that he is happy that you are happy, though I did see him this morning and I know he was happy before he left for work.
You should name one of those babies Happy, maybe Jet Happy, or HappyPeppy.
Verif. Word: herse
I think that is Irish for horse 🙂
I’m proud of you, Jen.
I always am 🙂
Your friends sound young still… Glad you are happy.
Going through abusive relationships is a very hard thing, and for you to get back out there, and try again says great things about you. No, I don’t know you, but I follow your blog, almost daily.
Keep your head up, and realize that women are stupid, and there is no reason that we can’t all just get along, but for some reason WE CAN’T.
Sorry your trip back to Texas wasn’t as wonderful as you wanted it to have been, but I would almost bet it makes you appreciate what you have back home too!
I’m glad I got to read this tonight. Very honest, very open, and I learned more about you.
Yes, I am more like a guy when it comes to having a radar for when I’ve upset someone.
Love all the pics!