I’ve realized lately, that the older I get, the more old fashioned I’m becoming. Or is that I’ve always been old fashioned and I’m just now realizing it? Or is that the older I get the more conservative I am becoming? I could probably go on asking myself these questions and psychoanalyzing myself to the nth degree- but I won’t.
This spin is supposed to be about hate. And while I am guilty of often using the phrase, “I HATE it!” emphasis on the word hate, I think I have learned that hate is a very dangerous thing to harbor. It’s the very opposite of love-it evokes just as much a passion as love does- but at the other end of the spectrum. Originally this post was going to be about marriage- about how I hate that people are deciding to have babies without a secure spouse- or at the very least a partner who desires to be a father whether he desires to be married to his offspring’s mother or not. About how I think it’s sad that so many kids are being born with sperm donors (that is literal and figurative) and not real, involved daddies. I truly believe that children are better off with two involved parents that communicate and desire to help them grow to be the best people they can be.
But as I got to thinking about it, I realized that it’s not just a lack of marriage that I am hating recently. It’s really more this whole idea of “I’m an adult, so I can do what I want” attitude; or it’s the “I am not hurting anyone else so what does it matter,” way of thinking. It’s systematically not thinking past the present. I don’t think that there are very many parents out there that want their daughter (or son for that matter) having sex at age 13. Or having had multiple sex partners while in high school. Or even for some of us, having sex outside marriage. Doing drugs. Or stealing. There’s any number of other things you could think of.
Which brings me to the meat of this rant- If you wouldn’t want your offspring to do it, why did you do it? We all know that kids learn from the examples we set. If we don’t want our kids to do it, and we want to have any sort of platform/leg to stand on, we probably shouldn’t have done it ourselves. Or at the very least we should be completely honest with our kids about how/why we chose to do that, and what the consequences were for that action as it related to us. If for example were a single mom- as a teenager- and it kept you from going to college, or getting a good job, isn’t your child better suited to hear that, from you honestly than for you to hide it? Seriously, people I want to know!
I have never smoked a cigarette, and never done drugs of any sort. Granted I didn’t do it when I was younger because I feared being murdered by my parents. Ok, I knew they wouldn’t literally kill me, but I knew that it would disappoint them. And that was the last thing I wanted to do. As I got older and realized that I could make that decision without being murdered by them, I decided it still wasn’t for me, as I wouldn’t want my child to do it, so I wasn’t going to do it. Now I can show, simply, that you could go your whole life without ever smoking a cigarette or a dube for that matter!
I’ve been married twice, but both times, as I got to know my spouse for who they really were, I realized they were not Father material (despite the fact that my first husband had kids already with his first wife). So I didn’t get pregnant. I don’t understand why that concept is so hard for people to grasp. If someone could explain it to me, I’d really love it!
I would say that I’m not in favor of co-habitation before marriage- but honestly, after my first husband, and how the flip switched on in him to Mr. Hyde after the nuptuials were said, there isn’t any way, I wouldn’t live with someone first- because you never really know someone until you live with them. And even then sometimes (as in the case of husband #2 they’ll surprise you). Would I want that (cohabitation) for my future children- really probably not, but with the way people are so irresponsible and selfish these days and may hold the aforementioned attitudes, I believe you really have to have your eyes wide open. And for my uber Conservative, Christian friends that read this- just because someone is *saved* and just because they go to church and pray, doesn’t make them better, or any less likely than any one else in this world to be just as rotten as a *non-believer*. Case in point- my sister’s ex fiance. He did something to her that people who’ve never set foot in a church, other than for a wedding or a funeral, would never ever consider doing to another person.
I realize that there are decisions that are clearly adult decisions; but the double standard of late is just killing me. And this isn’t to say that I couldn’t be a better example in my life for the kids that surround me; we all have our demons and things that we struggle with so don’t think I think I’m pefect. I’m so far from it, it’s not even funny.
My point, however, is this- if you think it’s ok for you because you are an adult, but it’s not ok for your kid, maybe you should think about that before you act on it.
For more spins visit Sprite’s Keeper.
P.S. I think I’m thinking about all of this more now, because… wait for it… wait for it…
I have baby fever!
You would be a great parent, Jen. Fever is good!
There is probably not a parent, or person for that matter, who regrets SOMETHING they have done when they were younger and hopes to God that their own children don't do the same things. And honestly, when I was younger, (late teens early 20's) I had no thoughts about children, and if what I were doing would be something I would want them to do or not. Does that make sense?
I think most people raise their kids to be independent, caring, well-adjusted adults who can contribute something to society and I don't think what the parents have done in their past makes a difference, as long as you raise your child right. When those children DO become adults, it's time for them to make THEIR own decisions and we can only hope they will make the right ones, like you do.
I know children who have had suck-ass parents (like mine) who have turned out pretty great (like me) and I know children who had almost perfect parents who turned out to be pretty scummy.
This is a debate that could go on and on. But I am one who believes it's not just the parent, it's the person and their general makeup. I should have turned out to be an alcoholic (both mom and dad were) and a child abuser (my mother) hooked on drugs, but I'm not. Thank God.
Well girl, I have it too and we all know that I have my own demons…but this was very well written! I think that when you guys get married and have a kid, you will be great parents! I think the trying times of the past have really helped you to see the better side of life! So smile!
yes, this world is so messed up.
Bina- I didn't mean to imply that there aren't things I regret about my past- or situations I've been in that were wrong. I'm sorry if you took it that way. I do believe that there is a lot to be said for the type of person you are- and how you address these things with your kids.
There is some PASSION in this Spin! I've always adopted the philosophy of no children before marriage for myself, but co-habitation was a definite save in my life since my dad and I are so alike, we were getting on each other's nerves and John and I were already engaged at that point. I think it depends on the maturity you bring to the relationship. I also think there ARE some men out there who are not father material and should NEVER spawn no matter how much they claim to want a kid. Great insight and you're linked!
It will be amazing to see you become a parent, and while I know you will be great, your perception is very one-sided. Even in the best of relationships/marriages, it is an ever-evolving process. Things change for the better, and for the worse. Much like co-habitation is no guarantee, having children in the strongest and closest of marriages can still result in bad siutations. Don't forget, most people who set out into marriage never want to get divorced. But they do. Things happen. People change or they reveal who they really are, because push has finally come to shove. Priorities which were once unified become separate. Selfishness is definitely a festering problem in our society. I think selfishness exists to teach us lessons, and it is from those lessons we determine where our moral ground truly is. A child is a gift from God, it's true purpose unknown to us. Would you still have the same opinion if you'd had a child in one of your marriages which resulted in divorce? Or would you be presenting a double standard?
To Anonymous- I wonder- are you posting anonymously because you'd prefer I not know who you are? Or do you not have a google profile? Regardless, that's neither here nor there.
Also, I think you meant, "its true purpose unknown to us". You used it's, which is short for it is.
As to your question- My job, should I have had a child in one of my marriages that ended in divorce, would have been to still be the best parent I can be. I of all people am well aware of the fact that things happen and people change. Would I regret having gotten married and then divorced and brought someone else into the world in that situation? I'm sure, and that would be unfortunate. But in the end, I can only control my behavior. My job isn't to be responsible for my children, it is to be responsible to them. Divorce is something no one likes, and in the end, it's almost always the kids that lose out.
I think what I am getting at here, is that I see bad examples set all the time, where there is moral high ground to take, and the parent/adult doesn't take it. They want one thing for their kid, but they themselves can't walk that walk and talk that talk.
In the instance that you talk about, which is clearly only hypothetical, if I did everything I could do to save the marriage for the sake of the child, what do I have to be ashamed of and how would that be carrying on the double-standard that you speak of? We can all learn from our mistakes- however, some people just NEVER do.
My point was, I think there is a great deal of judgment being cast in what you've posted on single parents, where you may not be privy to the details of why they are single.
I'd agree, there are many people who do not learn from their mistakes. But, there are many who do. I think unless you've been there, casting judgment on those individuals is rather off-base (not to mention, out of place). No rhyme intended. To each his own.
I don't have a google account, and I'm not a big blogger.
For the baby fever…borrow someones for a whole night, it will change your thinking.
As for not smoking or doing drugs – Woohoo for you! That is a great accomplishment. I put the fear of death in my kids eyes when it comes to smoking and drugs. I've shown them lung cancer pictures. Their 5 and 7, so that is horrific. No I don't smoke, I can't even stand the smell.
Hah! You took this spin in a very unique direction and I enjoyed it. Good lessons all through it.
Anon-
I know people in my very life who are exceptions to the rule- ie- a single parent doing things better than both- and in some cases the kids are better off w/out dad because he is a mess.
Another anonymous… how does smoking a cigarette or weed for that matter in your "younger days" make you bad parent? You did not state that, but implied. In a child's eyes, what parent would be "perceived" as a better parent? One who spoked cigarettes in the bars in college and a little weed here and there…. and the child never knew? Or the parent who had 2 previous husbands before their daddy? Try not to be so judgmental of people. I know you did not say this, but definately implied.
how does smoking a cigarette or weed for that matter in your "younger days" make you bad parent? You did not state that, but implied.
No, she didn't.
anonymous is a little too defensive…must have a guilty conscience or something
Thanks, Toni!
Come on people…I have taught elementary age kids for 22 years now. I think I have seen IT ALL, but NO along comes a parent, step-parent, live-in, significant other, foster parent, guardian, grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, older brother/sister, non-related to the child person, even the child and blows that thought completely out of the water. What I'm getting at here is the kid.
I'm with Jennifer on the having a kid for the sake of having a kid thing. It's not a good idea whether it is planned or not. No one is truly prepared for parenthood until it happens. Then your whole world is turned upside-down, inside-out, topsy-turvy, etc. It is one of the scariest life changing events that could ever happen to a person. On the same token it is one of the most incredible, face of God experiences a person could have.
I applaude single moms. I don't know how they do it. It was all Don and I could do, and there were two of us. We still don't have the answers after 14 years of being parents to a pretty great, make mistakes kid.
What I'm saying here is this…whether you're single or married anyone can be a parent. But, it takes a special person to be a GOOD parent. I know we are not great parents, but I also know that when I look at my daughter's face I know that we have done the best that we know how to do.
A child's circumstances at home foster who that child will become. If a child lives without one parent or the other, they will more than likely think that it is okay to do the same without really being taught what is involved in that choice.
Now off my soap box, everyone has skeletons in their closet, and if you don't…can we call you Jesus? How you carry on from them has more to do with who your child will become. I had an alcoholic/absent/abusive to Mom father, and a major co-dependent mother. I didn't have a very good childhood. I did a lot of things of which I am not very proud. Do I need to tell Dara about them? Hell NO!! She would then throw them up in my face, and say well you did why are you jumping on my ass for doing the same thing. It goes back to the old saying "do as I say not as I do (in this case did). We know as adults what the consequences are for not making good choices, and we only want out children to be able to distinguish the good choice/consequence from the bad ones. So, it is up us to teach our children these things, and I don't think some people are just not parent material.
I'm through ranting now. I could go on and on about this. It comes down to thin before you act…
If it matters, I think you'd be a great parent. Your past has little to do with who you will be as a parent. It is who your are NOW that matter.
Now off my soap box, everyone has skeletons in their closet, and if you don't…can we call you Jesus?
Awesome.
I agree that there are moments of do as I say not as I do. I completely agree though that how you were raised will contribute to how you raise your kids. That's not always true, though as Bina illustrated.
I guess I should've spell checked first. I just made that up about the skeletons, but it is oh so true.
You will be a great mommy when the time is right.
You are so right about how you were raised will affect how you will raise children. The difference is when you chose to do better by your children that was done by you. I hope Dara doesn't have the issues I had growing up in an alcoholic/spousal abuse/co-dependency family. I'm trying to better by her.
You would be an excellent mommy but anybody that wants to bring a child into this unstable world really has to be sure about that decision.
When B was in my womb I was so worried about her health and development. Then she was born and I realized my womb was the safest place she would probably ever know on this earth.
I think a wrong understanding of what "love" is leads to a lot of the hurt in childhood and marriage. People think of it as a feeling but true unconditional love is a choice. YOu chose to do right, to help, to sacrifice even when it isn't fun and butterflies.
Love the new look of your blog. Sorry I haven't been around for awhile.