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You are here: Home / life / Bravely Naive

Bravely Naive

November 16, 2009 by ~The South Dakota Cowgirl~ 14 Comments

lenny-karcinell-braveryWhen I was 20 I met a man.

I mean, what 20 year old girl hasn’t met a man?

But this man, he was different. He was 9 years older than me.  He had a great job.  He was mesmerizing. He swept me off my feet. Two and a half years later, he married me. And the fairytale died. On our wedding day.

We had gone for a mini-pre honeymoon to a friend’s lake house. I remember being very excited about something I wanted to do, and I remember asking him to go do this *thing* with me.  And then I remember receiving the snarkiest, nastiest comment from him I’d ever heard. I was crushed. While I’m sobbing and upset, he sat there, apathetically and told me to get over myself.

And that was just the beginning.

Three months into the marriage I was seeing a therapist because I hated myself. I wasn’t good enough. Smart enough. Pretty enough. I couldn’t keep the house clean enough. I couldn’t ride my horses well. I couldn’t rope good enough.  I spent too much money. I couldn’t cook anything he liked. I never said anything appropriate. Our life was a secret from the world and only certain things need be shared. I never shared the right things. I was constantly criticized for giving people too much information. I didn’t get what the secret was.  I didn’t need to be in school.  College was stupid.  There was nothing wrong with him, of course.

Two months of therapy later, I had just learned to cope- and pray for him-  because you know that’s what good Christian girls from the South are supposed to do for their husbands.  Because prayer changes everything and makes all things better.  And because Christian girls from the South, don’t get divorced.

Irresponsible doesn’t begin to describe this man. He pulled in a hefty 6 figures a year yet our phone and electricity were constantly shut off. The propane tank was never full. My dad still made my truck payment. But somehow there was always money for him to go out with his friends. And stay out. All. Night.  Always money for him to buy the latest fashions, suits and ties. While I shopped at Wal-mart.  Because you see, he needed to look good for his job.

Eighteen long months into this terror that was now my life, it was discovered that all he’d told me about his past was a lie. He’d never been to college; he’d never run at TCU or TT; he’d never made the alternate Olympic team for the mile relay. The list goes on.  Once these were discovered, the terror that was my life got worse.

I made an attempt to kick him out at that point- but that didn’t work, because, you see, he made the money, so he paid the rent and he wasn’t getting kicked out of a house he paid for.  The grocery list had to be *approved* based on what he deemed we needed. And instead of the wall for his punching bag, it became me.  I was terrified to call the cops on him because he told me they’d never believe me.  That I was wrong.  That I had made him do it.  There’s more, but I choose not to relive it if I don’t have to.  I don’t recall if my parents even knew that the physical abuse had started. It was while I was in another set of therapy sessions (this time for clinical depression) with the college shrink that I began to realize I wasn’t myself anymore.  That  the old me, the girl who had the world by the tail, who had confidence in herself was gone. I wanted her back. But I was too scared to go after her.

When I finally managed, through all of this, to graduate from college in December of 2002, my parents threw my younger sister and I (I was on the 6 year plan- she made it through in 4) a graduation party.  He didn’t come to the party.  In fact, he didn’t acknowledge it.  It was at that point,  that silently, I considered leaving him.

I cannot begin to describe for you how sick I felt when a few days later,  my little brother suggested that we go move me out.  He suggested it while he knew this man was at work. While we could sneak over and get the things I needed out of the house; be in and out before he knew what had happened.  You see, a man like my ex huband, he has a sixth sense about things.  I just knew he would come in and find me, and I’d be caught and things would get ugly.

I didn’t get caught. However, he did call while we, my dad, brother, sister and I, were in the process of moving me out. I didn’t answer. So he called my sister. Then my dad, and finally my mother who had stayed behind.  He continued to call. We continued to ignore him.  Finally I had collected my thoughts enough to talk to him.  Hindsight being what it is I probably should have just continued to ignore him and had a lawyer call him the next day, but I was scared of him.   By the time we actually talked, he was at our former home, to see the mess I left behind. And of course he tried to talk his way back into my life. He had no idea I felt this way, and he didn’t know what had caused me to leave. And why was I so unhappy, blah, blah, blah.  (You know, as I write this, I have that same, sick feeling in my stomach that I got that day I left).

Leaving him was the bravest thing I ever did. It went against everything I had grown up believing- that marriage is sacred; that God can change all things and make things good; that I just needed to try harder, pray harder, work harder. I’d like to say that leaving him instantly healed my self- loathing and low self esteem.  To some degree it did- though it was and still is a process.

I still find myself, 7 years later, wondering if I said too much, or shared too much or if what I said was inappropriate.

I still doubt myself on occasion and once in a while that girl who hated herself shows up. Someday I hope she’ll be gone completely.

For more spins on bravery, visit Jen at Sprite’s Keeper.

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Filed Under: life, the spin cycle Tagged With: the spin cycle

About ~The South Dakota Cowgirl~

Jenn Zeller is the creative mind and boss lady behind The South Dakota Cowgirl. She is an aspiring horsewoman, photographer, brilliant social media strategist and lover of all things western.

After a brief career in the investment world to support her horse habit (and satisfy her mother, who told her she had to have a “real” job after graduating college), she finally took the leap and stepped away from a regular income; trading the business suit once and for all for cowgirl boots, a hat, and jeans. She has not looked back.

When Jenn first moved to The DX Ranch on the South Dakota plains, she never imagined she’d find herself behind a camera lens capturing an authentic perspective of ranching, and sharing it with others. Jenn has always been called to artistry, and uses music, writing, images, home improvement, and her first true love of horses to express her ranching passion.

Horses are the constant thread and much of her work centers around using her unique style of writing to share her horsemanship journey with others in publications such as CavvySavvy, the AQHA Ranching Blog, the West River Eagle, the family ranch website, and her own website.

Using photography to illustrate her stories has created other opportunities -- Jenn’s brand “The South Dakota Cowgirl” has grown to the level of social media “Influencer”. This notoriety has led to work with Duluth Trading Company, Budweiser, Wyoming Tourism, Vice, Circle Z Ranch and Art of the Cowgirl, to name a few. She also serves as a brand ambassador for Woodchuck USA, Arenus Equine Health, Triple Crown Feed and Just Strong fitness apparel. Her photography has been featured by Instagram, Apple, TIME Magazine, The Huffington Post, and Oprah Magazine. Jenn’s work has been published internationally, has been seen in several books and has graced the covers of several magazines.

Jenn became a social media influencer by accident when she started to explore Instagram as a way to share her life on the ranch with folks that don’t get to experience it. It’s grown into an incredible platform that she uses to empower women, create an environment for self improvement and share life on the ranch.

When she’s not working, she loves to drink coffee, play with her naughty border collie named Copper, start ranch colts, and run about the country chasing cans. Her mother still thinks she doesn’t have a “real” job.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. della says

    November 16, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Congratulations on your freedom! I’m glad that no one was physically hurt during this ordeal. If women could only know that help is available and waiting if they will just ask starting with their loving families who feel helpless to do anything until asked. I enjoy reading your blog from time to time when I think of it. I found you via the pioneer woman. Hope you can one day be free of the mental issues that this man has caused in your life. Time is on your side. Happy Trails from one horse lover to another!

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  2. The Wife says

    November 16, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Good for you for taking your power back. Just so glad you had a supportive family to help you. You are a strong woman for breaking free and stepping out there into the unknown. It took a lot of strength to share that part of yourself to us. Treasure the good man you have now.

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  3. Sprite's Keeper says

    November 16, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    You are so much braver than you give yourself credit for. You saved your own life! You saved the woman who was dying because of this jerk. YOU did it. He’ll never be able to take that from you again. I’m proud of you and I hope YOU are proud of you. You’re linked!

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  4. Maureen@IslandRoar says

    November 16, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    And I thought you were pretty darned brave to leave Texas and go live in the middle of nowhere!
    Your story is incredible; he sounds like a sociopath. It’s weird how we get worn down over time and find ourselves in horrible situations we never pictured ourselves in in a million years.
    I give you so much credit for the strength to get out when you did, and thank goodness for your family’s being there to help you.
    You are one amazing cowgirl!

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  5. The Mayor says

    November 17, 2009 at 11:22 am

    Thank God you had the smarts to let your family help you over your hurdle. I ‘ve seen friends crumble at that point and the controlling husband drives a wedge , separating them from the very people that could be their lifeline.

    I’m glad you had such a positive outcome to what could have been an awful situation.

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  6. Weekend Cowgirl says

    November 18, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    You ROCK! I used to volunteer at a local Women’s Shelter. Stories that live forever. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful family & you can be proud you are strong.

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  7. Mama Badger says

    November 18, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    You are incredibly brave, and smart. God bless you for getting out when you did and starting over. Good ridance to bad rubish, I say.

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  8. Jan says

    November 18, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    It took me twelve years and my 10-year-old son saying, “Mom, I HATE the way Dad treats you” to leave. And then it took six months and the intervention of another person (read: man) to make that leaving a reality. That was nearly 17 years ago, and don’t you know, HE faced all the pain and betrayal (he says so on his MySpace…like, last Friday). HE was the unhappy one, the one who never knew how to really love until he met his present wife (who, coincidentally, is only a year or so older than the very same son who hated the way he treated me). I often wonder how SHE will feel 12 years down that same road.

    Healing is a long, slow process. But let me just say it DOES get better and the day will come where that part of you that still doubts will die a quiet, uneventful death.

    Have a party when that happens. You will deserve it.

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  9. Adventure Mom Janna says

    November 19, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Wow! I want to say so much but the comments section just isn’t the place for it so I’m really, really glad I will be seeing you soon.

    All I can say is that abusers are absolute genius’s of control. I’m glad you are free.

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  10. Jamie says

    November 26, 2009 at 2:20 am

    I’ve been there too…Not in the physical abuse sense but in the emotional/mental sense. I’m glad that we both have our freedom!

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  11. Erin says

    December 23, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Wow – this is an amazing story of bravery. I don’t know how I missed this during Spin Cycle, so apologies for not being here sooner. I’m here from Maureen’s today.

    There is a lot of freedom that comes from leaving a bad marriage. I wish people would understant that better…

    Happy Holidays! Off to read your other posts!

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  12. Emma says

    December 14, 2010 at 9:47 am

    This was a really moving and inspirational post to read. I just ‘found’ you via #reverb10; I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts.

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