I have been meaning to write about this, because it’s something I struggle with occasionally, and I’d like very much to not struggle with it at all (it’s one of my goals for 2010). I don’t recall if I’ve always been this way, or if the abusive men in my life have reprogrammed me to believe that I’m not worthy. And I do realize, dear readers, that I have still not blogged my way through Vegas. We’re in a snow/wind storm today, so this might be the prefect day to wrap that up. I digress.
It’s not even so much that I don’t feel worthy, though at times that’s true. It’s more that I struggle with thinking I’m better than someone else, or comparing myself to other people. I do it, so I figure everyone else is comparing me. I won’t get in to who/why I feel the need to I compare myself, but it’s not generally healthy. I also find myself thinking things like, “Omg. How tacky was their Christmas Decorating?” Or “What were they thinking when they decided this looked good together?” Or, “I’ve got so much better taste and more style than such and so.” Now that isn’t to say that there are people that certainly have the *eye* for design and decorating but because I have that talent, doesn’t make me better than someone who lacks that artistic ability, right? Because certainly those people have good qualities that I may not have. Though with that said, there are people that need help- or there wouldn’t be interior designers and HGTV. Speaking of which, my dad told me this past week that my mother thinks I should apply to be on Design Star. That’s two people now who’ve said that. Darnit, I’ve digressed. Again.
What this boils down to, is a Twitter conversation from this week. Funny, right? I was asking if any other women struggle with thinking they’re good enough; or compare themselves to others like I do. I sometimes find myself in the mindset that life is a competition. But it isn’t. Or is it? Sometimes I find it hard to like the skin that I’m in and think that I have to prove to everyone that I’m beautiful and talented and smart. When in the scheme of things it probably doesn’t matter.
So as we were having this 140 character conversation, it was brought to my attention that I should write a song about how I feel. I thought it was a smashing idea, so I present to you the lyrics for Girl Envy. I hope to have time to film the melody and me singing/playing it later this week. But if I don’t get to it this week, never fear, I’ll get to it. Eventually.
Girl Envy
She’s got red hair.
Perfect Nails.
Always accessorized to the nines.
She’s got pretty shoes.
Great Cowboy boots.
Can fill out any dress just right.
Why oh why can I not be her?
Have the men droolin’ down the street?
Why oh why can I not be her?
She’s the best lookin’ girl in the county?
She’s got flower beds.
Perfectly coiffed.
Gorgeous Leather couches, meant
to annoy.
She got a perfect tan.
Model thin arms.
Even in the rain, she still looks fine.
Why oh why can I not be her?
Have the men droolin’ down the street?
Why oh why can I not be her?
She’s got the best lookin’ yard in the county!
Well this skin, that I’m in,
is what God Gave me.
It’s what I got, so I should learn to love me.
‘Cause I got
Blond Hair.
A pretty smile.
Don’t kill my flowers, and I’m nice.
I’ve got a good brain
A talent for art
And a guy who loves me…
So why oh why would I wanna be her?
I’ve a got a guy droolin’ down the street?
Why oh why would I wanna be her?
I’ve got what I need, and more than I deserve.
Why oh why would I wanna be her?
I’ve got the best guy in the whole wide world?
Why oh why would I wanna be her?
I’ve got what I need and more than I deserve.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. A song about Girl Envy. I certainly can’t be the only person on the planet that struggles with this can I? Let me know how you have overcome this!
Love,
Me
PS. There is a massive amount of snow blowing around outside right now. It looks like Antarctica outside again today!
So glad someone else wrote about this, I have gone back and forth about writting it. I to feel like I am never good enough. It is so hard not to look around and see other women with better hair, skin, clothes, definetaly more skinny and such. It has been especially hard on me since I was diagnosed with thyroid issues and cancer I gained 70lbs. That makes me feel like nothing, it makes me hate myself. I too am going to work on adjusting this attitude, but it also has made me realize not every heavy person out there can help it and is over eating and not every girl that isn’t dressed to the nines can afford to, but would probably love to. Really has made me less judgemental and I try to remember I haven’t walked in there shoes. But I think all women have women envy in some way or another.
I love the song a TON and can’t wait to see how it goes:) The words are amazing!!!! I am going to blog now as you have opened my mind to it and dealing with the woman envy:)
oh and by the way you are stunningly gorgeous and I am not just saying it to be nice. I was shocked that someone so beautiful feels the way I do.
Wow, Mandie! I haven’t heard myself called stunningly gorgeous ever. Thanks!
I think we all struggle with this in some form or fashion. Whether it be looks or other venues. I never think my photography is up to par. Or I feel the the ugly girl in the room. Always something nagging me in the back of my head saying you’ll never be as good as “whatever”.
Jenn, I really appreciate the rawness of your post. I wish I could hug you right now. You pretty girl, you.
Thanks Autumn! I always envied you in school. You had a lot of friends, hung out with the popular people and I thought, gosh, she’s so talented, and she can run so well and she has so many friends! I’m sure though that we both had similar struggles, after all being a teenager isn’t easy on any of us!
I guess I do have some envy in me. I don’t wish to be thin or have perfect hair, but I do wish to have a great yard (like, not kill my plants) and to be able to cook fabulous dishes. Oh, wait. I thought of one I wish…I wish I could have a smile like…well like anyone with a full set of beautiful teeth.
Oh Heather! I truly believe this, though I’m not confident enough in me to go this far in regards to me (maybe because I don’t always think I’m nice), but people that are beautiful inside, are certainly more beautiful outside; it adds to their beauty and can really make them prettier. And a pretty set of teeth, well that comes with a lot of pain. Trust me.
Love, Love this post!! I can relate in so many ways it is ridiculous!!! I just today realized one of my biggest issues is not being able to leave something alone if it’s not right! If I know the situation is “not right” I will do whatever it takes to show someone what is right LOL!! And I definitely have had the same thoughts as you!! So maybe we all do….
I wouldn’t say I necessarily “envy” other women, or feel jealous, I just always wonder why I can’ t be as pretty, funny, smart, sexy, friendly, and all that other stuff as they are. I am constantly thinking that there is NOTHING that I am great at. I’m good at stuff, but not great at anything. I’ll never be the prettiest, the skinniest, the smartest, the funniest, the best, or any of that. I’ll always just be in the middle.
And there are so many times I don’t feel worthy, but I just pretend I don’t care.
My God. You have so many talents its astounding.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I’m guessing by the number of affirming comments that you’ve already ascertained you are not alone in this type of thinking 😀 I think this is truely one of those “girl” things!
Personally, I really struggle with this and it kind of boils down to jealousy too – which is tough to admit. My internal dialogue can be so biting and cruel, but I would never say those things out loud! Then I find myself trying to overcompensate for my thoughts … it’s walking this crazy line of ego and lack of self-worth.
I don’t know that there are any real resolutions – with the exception of good girl friends 😉
Hi! I found you through Island Roar.
I read someone’s blog (I can’t remember who) before Christmas and she was tackling self-image issues. Her Christmas wish was that she wished she could see herself through the eyes of the people who loved her. That really brought things into clarity for me. I wish I could see me the way my husband sees me. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face.
Besides, I’m already jealous of your songwriting and flower growing skills. So don’t hate me for my red hair, ok?
I love the idea of trying to see myself like the people who love me see me! Brilliant!
I struggle with self image also. Always thinking that I’m not as thin, pretty, smart, etc. as some of my friends. But, I stop and count my blessings when my son tells me umpteen times a day how he is glad that I’m his mom and how much he loves me. And when my daughter tells me how sweet and pretty I am and that she hopes that she looks as good as I do at my age (50). My children are 15 and 18 so compliments coming from them are good for me because to get something like that from teenagers, well, …..I am truly blessed. Stay safe and warm in this coming blizzard. We even have snow today in the deep south. Listening to the BCS game…I have to end with Roll Tide!!!!
NOOOOOO! Burn Tide Burn!
Texas girl here. I mean not only am I really a Texas girl, but I’m a UT fan as well. They put my little brother through school- he was an athlete there.
Understand the loyalty. I live in Alabama!!!
I agree all women struggle with this at some point in one way or another. I look at other marriages and say why didn’t mine last; some people have these seemingly perfect kids and I say how do they do that?
But I think once I hit 40 this diminished substantially. I’ve spoken to other women and 40 seems to be a turning point for so many of us in feeling comfortable in the skin we’re in.
I think at this point I accept myself more each year, and feel better about myself.
You are such a talented woman. And yes, stunningly gorgeous!
Can’t wait to see/hear you perform this song…
I think Maureen is right about it being an age thing. When I was in my twenties I used to compare my self to everyone else. Now, not so much. At least not with my friends. I’m usually jealous of people I don’t know, people that I really don’t know under the surface. But girl you have got to learn to love yourself. I know self esteem is a hard thing…been there,done that. But please don’t let anyone make you think less of yourself. You’re young and beautiful with your whole life ahead of you and a great big world to explore. Get out there and knock em’ out!
Suzi- I appreciate the comment. I’m actually closer to 40 than I am to 20 at this point in my life (holy crap!). I do pretty good for the most part, but I am harder on myself and meaner to myself than anyone would dare be (save for my abusive ex husband). On some levels I think a lot of this is me continuing to heal from the abuse. I’ve had several drastic things happen since then and as such have had to re-center. I am continually rediscovering the parts of me I used to love. Reminding myself that I don’t have to like different, just realize that it is a choice each person makes. That I can’t control anyone but me and my reactions to them and to the world around me. 🙂
Jenn- You were one of those girls I envied in school. I wish now I had taken the time to get to know you better because I think we would have a lot in common. Your life turned out to be what I have always dreamed of. With that being said, I am very happy for you that you have made your dreams come true. You are such a beautiful and wonderful person that deserves finally some happiness. I also had a really abusive ex-husband that made me feel so inferior to him or anyone else. I constantly live in the shadow of my mind that I am ugly and will never be good enough. I wont get into a lot here but know that you are not alone in your feelings! I am so proud to know you and only wish the best for you and your family.
God Bless you girl!
Gosh! I didn’t know that anyone envied me! I always felt awkward in high school. Especially that high school. I was one of the *poorer* kids. Or maybe my priorities were my horse and not clothes from The Gap or Eddie Bauer. Thanks for stopping by the blog! I hope to hear from you again soon!
I struggled with it constantly because someone DID program me to think that way, because he thought that way. Until I met him (and smoked the frackin’ crack crazy pipe that kept me with him all that time) I wasn’t concerned with what everyone else was doing or had. He trained me to think that way, and the problem was that I let him do it. I let him. Mistake number uno.
For a lot of those years with that person, I had this nagging gut feeling that it was wrong, that I wasn’t being true to myself and yadda yadda. I ignored it. I pushed it down. I became numb. Mistake number two.
To this day, I do not understand the mechanics of what ultimately “snapped me out of it”. There was a culmination of things. The birth of my first child and becoming a mother. Getting a new, higher paying job. Then being recognized by someone and showered with compliments so truthful and delicately delivered to my heart with such conviction and grace that to this day, I am still in amazement. These parts of God’s plan for me I don’t understand, but I am forever thankful, all of them. The good and the bad.
This person and their gentleness affected my life so dramatically, I figured out what I needed to do. I made a plan and executed it. I never felt better in my life. Perhaps it was God’s will to save me from the abusive situation by using a person with light in them to redirect me. I am not sure. But upon executing my plan, my self-confidence was restored, my self-image revived. My advice would be to listen. Listen to the signs. The kind words, the subtle gestures. Stop criticizing, judging, and cutting others down to make yourself feel better. Humble yourself to the convictions of your heart. You are a good person who is very bright and very blessed.
Hey Jen, this is your cousin… 🙂 I struggled with this for many years in my younger years, and you know, finally, I just didn’t care any more. I started realizing that no one is perfect or has the perfect life. Everyone has faults, and THAT’S OKAY! But that is also why I shouldn’t compare myself to everyone else, because if I’m jealous because someone else is thinner, or has a bigger house, or a prettier horse (smile), odds are, that person has her own issues she is dealing with. And a better route is to figure out what I can do to make myself just happier with me and not worry about that person and her perfectness, or better said, her perfect problems. We all have them. Some are just better at hiding them than others… I prefer to be open with my problems, laugh at them, if they are laughable, and move on. I try to focus on what is good, and fix what isn’t. But I really think it took me getting older to feel that confidence in myself. You’ll get there.
Well, let me tell you…….I feel fat…yes, FAT! Why oh why cant I be skinny again? Wait, when I was skinny, I felt fat too!! What is up with that? However I have decided that I will just prove myself via my ponies. Watch out woman, I am fixing to have 4 ponies come runnin…lol
BTW, you are pretty and talented and all that crap. I am just glad that you are happy now too….that is more important than any of the other crap!!! Your smile is back to being “real” and that means that the real you is shinning bright! I wish I could say that my talent is helping people see the real them and shine, but alas, I was a SMALL SMALL SMALL person in your life that kept shouting at you to be YOU!!!! Glad someone listens 🙂