First, my brother wanted me to post his email that he sent me concerning what I wrote previously. He was upset with me, as is his right, because his perception is his. He felt like I was being disparaging toward our folks.
Those of you that read this blog know that I very much love my parents, and have really good parents. I might have needed to be reminded however that “Dad (told) you on the day of your wedding with Jeff, “If you want to leave right now, I will take you.” Neither of them wanted you to marry Jeff, they could smell the LOSER on him from a mile away.” So thanks for that reminder, Zach. Oh and for those of you who might really be confused, my brother’s name is also Zach. He also said that they have supported me through out my many endeavors in life, and this is true. And they’ve done their best to raise me. I don’t resent them for any of that, and didn’t mean to imply that I did.
I think the major difference between my folks and my friends, is that my folks are always going to be concerned with my soul. And with my walk with God. As a previous commenter put it:
“your folks are very nice and very lucky people who probably can’t relate much to divorce, alcoholism, abuse, etc. and though I understand that there is personal responsibility for the choices we make, I think that there are sooooo many men out there who were just raised differently than men were who are your and my folks’ age. Yes, you ended up with two shitty choices for husbands, but the odds are just flat against us anymore in finding someone decent and responsible who we respect, remain attracted to, and can be ourselves around. There are a lot of shitheads out there and not only is it tough to avoid them, it’s even tougher to identify them upfront.”
The bottom line is this: my parents love me and they want what is best for me; as does God. The difference between my friends and my folks, is that my friends are more concerned with me, than with what they think God wants for me. Does that make sense?
I am so sorry that your brother and mother were hurt by what you wrote. It was your best attempt at getting your feelings and thoughts out, and they didn’t recieve it in the way that you intended it. That is unfortunate for all of you as a family.
I want to say that I never got the impression, in your email or your post yesterday, that your parents were anything less than supportive and caring. I understood that perhaps they wanted something different for your life than you do, and perhaps the lines of communication between mother father and daughter are a little strained.
I think that what would be best at this point, is to make every effort to actually speak to your mother and father. It’s often hard to get nuance and complete meaning from the written word . . . and I think that is perhaps why your mother and brother are upset.
What they READ in your words, is obviously not what you meant to SAY . . . I know you are nervous about the prospect of it, but clearing the air here is going to take a face to face conversation.
And as for anyone else who was supposedly “hurt” by what your blog said . . . you’ve been hurt by plenty that they have said.
Jen I know what it’s like first hand to think your parents think you’re a failure. I came from a family where my dad was an alcoholic for many many years. When he died last year, there were many people who came to see him. I was so shocked at what everyone had to say about him. They thought he was the greatest person that ever lived. My mom, sister, and I were so taken aback because we NEVER saw that side. He showed us the absolute worst. In his eyes we were the worst pieces of s**t that ever walked the face of the earth, and let my mom that everyday. My sister and I only when he was really drunk.
So what has this got to do with the price of rice in China? Well, my whole life I never felt like I could never live up to their standards.
Children always feel like they can never be “good” enough to their parents, never have a job…spouse…etc. that is “good” enough.
I know you didn’t mean any ill feelings in any shape, form, or fashion toward your parents. You were just stating how you felt as a “child”. At times we all feel like we fall short of our parent’s expectations.
But after 40+ years, and lots of Alanon and Children of Alcoholic’s meetings, I’ve come to realize that I have to live for myself and not anyone else…no matter what they think.
Why am I saying all this? I really feel like you are at a place in your life where you were meant to be in the first place. You just had to overcome a few bumps (I mean mountains) in the road to get to where you are now. You have to live for you and no one else, and every one else will either accept it or fall by the way side. That is what’s going on right now. They are just trying to come to terms with the fact that you are taking a road that was not in their plan for you.
It will all fall into place. Hold your chin high, and go forward with “YOUR” dream!!!!
While I do agree it’s very hard to determine a man upfront and see how he REALLY is until later, sometimes YEARS later, I do still think there are MANY great men out there.
But yea it makes sense. Friends care about each other deeply, and always want whats best for each other, and unless they are completely and totally religous, they don’t think about what God wants first.
I feel like I just rambled. Sorry.