I’m not going to show you video from last night’s barrel race. At least not the video of me. Kelsey made a really good run of 17.9 something in her youth run and ended up third. For me, it was just a disaster. I’m not sure why it fell apart like it did. But it did.
I guess I expect my horse to get better every week, regardless of whether or not I ride him like a fat girl or not. Regardless of what I do. And inevitably if I make a mistake, I don’t want to take responsibility for it. I want to blame him for not doing what I’ve been teaching him right when it’s not his fault. When chances are 99% that he did EXACTLY what I told him to do. I can (and did) throw out a week’s worth of good training on a run that doesn’t go like I thought it should. I can have, and do have second thoughts about doing things the way I’m doing them. I have doubts and don’t believe that I can make it work this way. When I have nights like I did last night, I get all pissy (and I was hormonal anyway, so that definitely doesn’t make it better), I think that I have no business riding/training horses. And then I wonder, really, how do you measure success? I want really badly to go to the NFR and run down the alley at the Thomas and Mack Center. But do I want that, because it will show the world that I really do know what I’m doing? Because shouldn’t I believe that I do know what I’m doing? And then I wonder, why would anyone send me a horse to ride, or want to buy a horse I’ve ridden/trained if I’ve never won anything big in my life? Why would anyone come to me for help, when I’m getting outrun by lots of other horses? I’m not getting any younger and at some point I may want to have a kiddo or two and that would crimp my goals. Maybe I’m just impatient. But I do wonder, how do you define success with your horse when you’re me? Ve? Stephie? Jilly? Zoe? Christine? Toni? Anyone?