We ended up not being able to make it to Dupree last night. It rained yesterday and we live in Gumbo country so we weren’t able to get the trailer out. I have no idea where we finished the series: as of last week, Kels was 3rd in her youth class and I was 3rd in the $500 Novice Horse Class. We were both far down the standings in the open. I’m sure that we’ll hear more soon.
The new baby is a pretty sorrel filly with a blaze face, and four white feet. I think she was born that way just to irritate Zach, who’d prefer all horses have zero white on them! I will try to get photos of the pretty thing when I get back from Rapid City this weekend. Shuttle has still NOT had her baby. I think we’re getting closer though- it will happen sometime between the 15th of August and the 1st of September.
Last night, when Zach came to bed, I was slightly bitter; partially about missing Dupree, and then because I didn’t win a buckle. Childish, I know. I was bitter because some other people did, and I feel like I’ve more than paid my dues, and it’s time for me to win one; after all I haven’t won one since 1996. That led, again, to a conversation about success, where at 2am there are tears being shed.
I am really going to have to become comfortable in the skin that I’m in. I need to have goals that start from the bottom and go forward, not goals that I can’t reach at this point. Because when I say, “I must have a 1D horse and have it now!” I’m setting myself up to be disappointed, which only adds to my low/fragile self-worth (at least when it comes to my horses). When I feel like because I’m not out-running 350 horses I’m a mediocre trainer, at best, I’m not looking at the bigger picture. He reminded me that I have attained something that some people never attain- that is that I get to wake up every morning and do what I LOVE to do each day. Not only have I attained that, but I’m not 50 years old; I’m just into my 30s.
I also need to have the attitude that I am going to have a better horse 6 months from now; instead of saying, I’m a failure if I don’t have x, x, and x happen right this very minute! And because I think like that, I’m setting myself up for failure every time I set foot in an arena. I’m setting myself up for misery and as Zach put it, I’ve somehow managed to hold my foot on my own throat, and I’m keeping myself down. I am coming to grips with the fact that I may never run at Vegas; but that having a horse run there would still be acceptable. I am also realizing that there are other venues to showcase the skills and talents that I believe I have. And maybe that is what it all boils down to- that I believe I have what it takes to get there, but I feel like I’m constantly spinning my wheels, and making very little progress. Which really isn’t the truth. I couldn’t do half the things on Gump 6 months ago that I can do today; so really, I am making a better horse. It’s just not going to happen overnight, and we’ve (He and I) have just been at this for a year. So a year from now, I need to realize where we’ll be if I just keep focusing on making him better.
Hopefully there will be great things to report from this weekend; and by that I mean that we’ll have two clean runs, where we don’t blow the second barrel! There will be photos from Mt. Rushmore as well; though Meg will take all of them, as my camera is MIA. I figure I’ve whined enough today, so I’m going to go pack, ride a Gump and head out.