I have decided I am being anti-social.
I am not sure why I’ve chosen NOW to be this way.
I think that it is because I have a lot on my plate at this moment and one of the ways that I deal with too much stress is to simply try to de-stress. Typically that involves reading or spending time with my horses. I was invited over to hang out with some friends last night; and while the offer was enticing, I had a horse that was showing signs of being ill and on some level I didn’t want to get away. I know I felt guilty about leaving my horse, but I’m sans other reasons. Why?
I am struggling with feeling guilty right now too. I can only control me. This I know. I cannot be a savior to the world or all who are in it. This, I also know. So why then do I feel guilty? Is it because I wish to save the world? Is it simply a depression setting in? Of course there are areas in my life that I am not as successful in as I’d like to be, but does that mean I should feel guilt about those?
I’ve been depressed before. But it was such a long time ago that I don’t really remember what it was like except that I wanted to sleep…all the time. And I ate- everything I could get my hands on. I’m not craving food right now, so that’s a positive. But I feel drowsy and heavy. And pretty much worthless.
I haven’t slept well at all this week.
Could it be that it’s because I’m so stressed out I can’t? I mean, my grandmother is in the hospital. I’ve got a ski trip coming up. A futurity to go to and a horse that I’m pretty sure is NOT ready for that; plus said horse is apparently ill in some form or fashion. Could it be that I’m NOT depressed and simply tired? Or could it be the depression making me feel guilty?
I believe, I’ve just talked myself (and you) into a complete circle. Sigh.
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