Priorities

This has been weighing on my chest lately, and I’m sure that I’ll be in trouble for sharing all ofthis, but I can’t not, really. I’m spilling my soul, so be warned.

I’m a product of a great Christian family- the folks have been married for going on 35 years, they go to church most every week, and they don’t argue fuss or fight with one another (at least not in front of the kids- it’s the united we stand, divided we fall, front). But regardless, they are still in love and they respect each other’s needs and interests and wants.

I on the other hand, have two failed marriages.

The first one wasn’t entirely my fault- though I’m sure both parties are to blame. He was emotionally abusive, and became physically abusive. He was controlling and tore me down until I was a shell of the real me. I contemplated suicide often. While he supported my priorities (the horses), the bills were seldom paid on time, as there were more *fun* things to do with the money. I’ve since decided that while finances may be a very determining factor in whether a marriage fails or succeeds, it’s not so much a lack of funds, or enough funds; rather it’s that there isn’t a collaboration or agreement on how the funds are spent. In other words, how they should be prioritized. He used to tell me, (mind you I was in college and he was 8 years older) you don’t make the money, so you don’t get to decide how it gets spent. The issue here was that I had no idea how to set a boundary. I had grown up with the thought process of- you love everyone no matter what; you don’t have to love how they behave, but you have to love them. NO one taught me that you should remove yourself from potentially harmful situations; those that will cause you to lose yourself and your ability to serve others. Or those that are going to cause you harm to yourself.

The second one began better and I thought it was going to be the last. He owned a house. He owned a business. He was, while not financially stable, at least responsible. He paid his bills on-time (which was important to me) and he enjoyed having fun, and he wanted to spend time with me- as long as we were doing what he wanted. I’m sure his perception might be different. And he reads this, so we might find out. I was in a position to do with him what he wanted, and I didn’t not enjoy doing those things with him. But give me a choice between opening day for dove and the Jurassic Classic Barrel Race and the barrel race will win. Though for three years, it didn’t. There was, however no turn taking. I had mentioned that there were barrel races here and there, and he was like, oh, well, I thought we’d do this. Not, well if you want to go, let’s go. Basically, the horses, which are my career, were not on his radar. I don’t know how that could be, but it was (at least in my perception). Additionally, he ran a household before he met me. But when he met me, he wanted someone to share the burden of that household with him by paying some of the household bills. We kept separate checking accounts. And by my best guess, I never really felt united, if that makes sense. It was, you pay for this, or you’re buying, or I’m buying. Everything was split- 50/50; it was like we were business partners, sort of. And then there was the issue of no communication. I’d do or say something and it would be *fine* until a few days or weeks or even months later when it would be brought up again and he’d be LIVID about it. I can’t fix it if I don’t know it’s broken. I believe he loved me and probably still does, but we weren’t jiving on how a marriage is supposed to work, and I never knew what was going to make him angry.

Now I’m sure some of you will say that there was no Biblical reason to get a divorce, but emotional support is something that we all need, and what’s the point in being married if you’re on your own? Which I felt I was, in both cases.

I am not writing this to disparage either man, I wrote this because I needed to collect my thoughts on this. I needed to see it on paper, and get some feedback about my perceptions. I honestly don’t believe that getting married means that you give up the right to be treated with love and respect. I believe a husband is the head of the household, and as such it is his job to love and protect and provide for that household, and he should do whatever he needs to do to accomplish that. His wife should come first behind what he wants. Just as I put myself behind my husbands.

PS- Thank you John, for taking care of Tex’s Surgery. I appreciate it.